Yesterday, I bed-rotted.
Sleeping Beauty By Thomas Ralph Spense
It is pretty out of character for a once very restless and generally full-of-beans me, to do that.
I wasn’t ill or physically tired. I didn’t have a reason other than my energy felt thick. Viscous. Like all there was to do was sink into it and let it take me.
It had been building for a couple of days.
I realise I used to go into a freeze here, and hyper-function through it.
I’ve been seeing this come up ever since my early days in somatic therapy
the fear of a feeling not going away
being stuck
What if this doesn’t pass?
What if I am low forever?
You know it’s not a rational fear and you have long outgrown the phase where this fear meaningfully haunts you, but something in the body still grips underneath it, that says:
I need to do something to get myself out of this.
High-achievers are especially prone to flurries of excess, anxious activity when something is moving in the deep.
Anything but go down into the depths.
It’s like you’re frantically treading water.
As the afternoon approached and I lay there dropping in and out of sleep, what I felt in my body was a soul-level exhaustion. Grief.
For all the time spent clinging to the walls of my tower, and how tiring it was to constantly present as functional, to be in the performance of competence.
Instead of just going to the bottom.
And for a time, thinking that if I could “just work out how to descend” - how to predictably rinse and repeat it - I’d be rewarded with more comfort and peace in myself. More certainty.
Still a controlling transaction.
Still projecting an image of God that is conditional.
What arose this week was novel for me, honestly.
I’m not a stranger to the descent.
But that deep, internal weight that I might have once called “depressed” - the sheer density of it - carried something inside it that I hadn’t yet touched.
And I knew that what was coming up was everything I’d pushed down in all of the years spent coping with my emotions in a constant, whirlwind of busy-ness and mental chatter.
The most significant thing was that my identity did not shake in the face of it.
I held clients powerfully. I played piano at an open mic. I received mentorship. I stayed intimately connected to my husband and my friends.
And I felt myself through all of it.
I showed up as I was - quiet, internal, sleepy. Authentic to where I was at.
I let people see and feel me in a tender and vulnerable place.
I now have a relationship with God and with my body, where I feel truly safe with sensation. I don’t lose myself to an identity crisis when I meet something difficult.
So I don’t really have to “do” much now. The God-intelligence - the flow - does the work.
And I am an open and somatically safe vessel for that flow.
I’m not up-ending my practitioner tool box every other day in an attempt to manage myself out of discomfort.
My mind doesn’t freak out like it used to. I recognise the intelligence of the movement, and the value in where I am.
It came up in session with a client yesterday as it goes - as we worked with the expression of her mission - I asked her to tune into what wanted to come through and the answer was so simple and profound:
Just… where I am.
I told her of how long I spent believing that I needed to be somewhere other than where I was to bring value to the world.
How much of my hyper-functioning and performance patterns were tied up that; not believing in the value of sharing and offering from my exact location on the map.
That belief system strung my body up even tighter - it perpetuated the vigilance - because the message I was constantly sending to myself was:
You are not enough as you are.
And it was all a manic scramble to not sink.
Treading water until I could barely breathe.
Not realising that I could breathe underwater.
That I was being called to submerge myself, fully, without fear.
That in doing so, my insides were being carved into a shape that real nourishment could be received into.
This quiet recognition that arises in the stillness, is a focal point of my work.
I teach women how to let go of the walls of their tower and be held. To come home to their hearts, their wombs. To God.
I hold a field that facilitates this internal re-shaping, so that the flow can truly flow.
This is Full Time Flow.
Emotional and energetic mastery. The embodiment of God’s true assignment.
My connection to God trumps everything.
The more deeply that lands in my body, the more my mind falls to its knees.
And everything - from the way I navigate my internal world to the expression of my mission - simplifies.
Oh hi! My name is Rae and I am a mentor and multi-dimensional guide to highly sensitive geniuses.
I have a couple of options open to work with me one-on-one at the moment. Full Time Flow is one of them. Be in touch to start a conversation.
About my paid membership: At the moment I am coming in once every 6-ish weeks to do an in depth spoken transmission + complete text overview, centred around energy mastery, emotional intelligence and self leadership. In joining the subscription you also receive immediate access to two full courses on Intuition + Fearless expression. Everything is stored in the paid archive and you can view the previews here.