The power of choice.
Before I share the next couple of entries:
It’s been quite a few weeks since I’ve written. As in, added to the first draft. You know that saying the dark is the darkest before the dawn or whatever it is, I think that is it? That’s where I’ve been. I knew I needed to stop for a minute & wait for my proverbial sun to rise.
I’m still only just over half way through sharing what I have of the draft & a part of me, having emerged from the night with an enormous amount of clarity, is keen to get going & wants to share what is coming through, right now, in real time. However I think this way that things have worked out, where there is a few month delay from drafting to sharing on here, is proving to be a really great practise. Stuff cooks all the way through.
The next two entries are interesting because they were written either side of that fateful Vipassana meditation retreat back in February, which spelt the beginning of the night. In the last month I have sat in the darkest dark. & yet also, I’d say that what happened in February was the darkest dark location in a process that has spanned the last few years.
17.2.24
People are afraid that there is nothing on the other side of stopping thinking. It is funny because it is true. There is nothing. That’s the whole point.
I smoked for fifteen years & I relate to that fear of what lies over the ledge. Addiction does that. You might know that what you are doing is causing suffering & is not healthy but the question mark that hangs over what is beyond it will for a time, feel too lurching to face. The addiction to the mind is the most chronic of all.
There are very, very, very few people on this planet who haven't been addicted to their mind. It is baked into the transition from childhood to adulthood. I hazard to say there are “a few” but I’m not even sure if that is true. It might be more accurate to assert that overcoming the mind is, to varying degrees, a rite of passage that every single person navigates. It is part & parcel of being here, on this spherical mass of molecules in endless space, at this point in time.
& the western world is alchemising a strain of it that is particularly catastrophic. That has had catastrophic consequences. Look around you.
I smile inside at that invitation: look around you. Because it holds a paradox. Look around you & you will see what I mean when I say that the addiction to the mind has had catastrophic consequences. But also, look around you & behold things as they are in their perfection.
Look around you & see things as they are. What is, as it is, is a wonder of a thing. When you receive it, you are penetrated by the paradox;
Wow, we really lost our way didn’t we?
&
Wow, I did not realise how achingly beautiful it is here.
People might assume that the invitation to stop thinking is some kind of bypass. But instead what happens is that you see the thing & you see all of it. You see how fucked up things have become & you see how perfect it is. You see the disaster & you see what a blessing it is. You see the unswervable direction of the flow of life & you come to terms with where you are.
& because none of it is about you anymore it can just be as it is.
You discover that all that is required is for you to be with it. That this clears the path so that the current can flow with greater ease. You realise that not only does this work out a whole lot better for you it is in deep service to everyone & everything around you. I mean that. It is in service.
Right action does not & cannot come from the mind. The mind, when operating from it’s default, is preoccupied with being seen - to be good, to be enough, to be right. It damns the past & fears the future. It uses hormonal cascades from states of outrage & shock & stress to propel itself forward.
The mind wants to control people & things.
The mind cops out on confusion so it doesn’t have to face the truth.
That’s why your activism is burning you out.
That’s why you spend more time doom scrolling than you do on the ground.
That’s why being seen nakedly & authentically makes you feel like you might die.
That’s why you are not doing the thing you know you want to do.
That’s why you are selling yourself short.
& I think I will do this as many times as necessary when I drag the mind like I am right now, & that is to remind you that I am describing a version of the interface that has yet to be updated. I am not describing the inherent, hardwired qualities of the mind. The only hardwired component of the mind is its desire to serve. Otherwise it is a blank canvas. Everything about it can change, be updated, be cleared, be enhanced, at any time.
29.2.24
Awakening is a moment to moment choice where you never, ever stop choosing it. It is described in many old texts as something that simply dawns on you one day. Or at least I think this is how it is often interpreted.
For those who sit atop mountains & seek it, perhaps this is how is goes down. But modern humans really got that bit all mixed up. The expectation that some penny will drop & then no further action is required is an erroneous one.
What dawns is the truth that you choose it, constantly & irrevocably. It is the assumption of absolute responsibility over one’s experience & the acknowledgement: I have the power to choose.
Even here.
Even here.
& yes, even here.
Assuming in full, the power to choose exposes all illusion. You can’t NOT see the illusion. Of fear, of control, of separation. This is why I think people circle around acknowledging the extent of their own power, because then you can’t not see & I guess we kind of like to reserve a small pocket of disempowerment that is out of sight, out of mind. Just in case we need it for something.
I realise what a shame that is, because it’s so much easier to see things as they are. & perhaps it is helpful for me to state here that when we are a yes to being here, the extent of our sight is titrated in a very intelligent way. A simple commitment to presence will open your field of wisdom in direct proportion to the extent that you can hold it.
Let me tell you something about me. I am known for biting off more than I can chew. I have always enjoyed extremes. Have been described an extreme person. 0-1000mph in a second.
In the time between writing my last entry for this book draft & now (“now” being 29th February 2024) I went to sit a Vipassana meditation retreat. It was my second one. I came home within four days. The nature of my spiritual practice, my work & subsequently my level of sensitivity has changed since my first sit. I wasn’t completely transparent about these things on the application. I started seeing & hearing in a ways that were a little too close to the field within 48 hours & when you are that far out, is even a tiny smidgin of fear takes hold, things get very distorted, very quickly.
I eventually had a meeting with the teacher, early in the morning on day 4 & she told me in no uncertain terms to go home. & so I did, tail in between legs & more than a little humbled by my folly.
There are definitely ways of opening up one’s capacity to see & know the truth, too quickly.
It was my freewill to go hell for leather.
The acknowledgement: I have the power to choose infused into presence as the core life practice, allows divine will to stream in & not only fortify the container, but open it out incrementally. This is what ease is.
Ease is part & parcel of a very deep & enduring willingness to meet life in all that it is. Without striving for more of it or closing off in the face of it. & when that willingness is imbued into the simple intention to suspend the noise of the mind & be attentive to the life that is right in front of you, ease becomes a baseline & one that is not shaken even in the face of the hairiest of circumstances.
This is not to say that you might not experience fear & powerlessness from time to time, but rather that there is a default softness that permeates it so that those experiences do not stick or become recycled forms of thought that inform your future. Ease gives way to the direct experience of life as ever-passing & impermanent.
& when it goes deeper, fear & powerlessness cease to take hold altogether. Because neither of those things can survive the continual commitment to truth. When you are prepared to hold fast to the truth that you have the power to choose, this is inevitable. & I know when I say that, it holds some promise of eradicating certain experiences & there is a paradox here to sit with. Because, the awakening that comes with fully acknowledging your power will ultimately remove the experience of “unnecessary suffering” & will eventually render a person free from fear.
However that state is called into being & maintained through an unconditional moment-to-moment willingness to be with all that is & all that may arise. So as soon as there is an agenda to do or become something in the hope that it might get rid of an experience that we don’t like, we’ve already given that power up, already decided that we won’t be responsible under certain conditions.
So you see, it is true that the realisation & embodiment of the unconditional, will dissolve certain experiences and yet, this can only happen through the unwavering choice to include it all, to love it all, to be with yourself inside of it all.
To close out: I mentioned at the beginning how it’s been a good practice to have this delay between writing & sharing & I’m seeing the brilliance of it as I go through these entries. What I speak to about the mind being in need of an update is landing right now in a whole new way. I’m really excited to begin transmitting on what the nature of this update is & how we can actively support a smooth download.
I think that I will at the very least create an audio journey/practice & speak to this in short, in the next week or two. This will be something that gets added to my paid subscription, so if this particular body of work feels resonant & like something you want to go deeper on, this is a great way to get involved & invest in your own personal process, for a fiver a month. :)
Other things:
Receive the I AM ENOUGH transmission & practice for £22: www.raedwyer.com/iamenough
Join the I AM HERE community: www.raedwyer.com/iamhere
Work with me one-on-one: www.raedwyer.com/one-on-one